10/14/00

"After school, Nora and I skipped cross country again. We don't like going on Fridays. But a LOT of people didn't go: Jonah, Dan, Sally, Erin, Aaron, and others. Aaron's toenail fell off too! We're toe buddies! So anyway, Nora and I were hanging around in the workout room with Jonah, Evan and some soph/or junior, waiting for the volleyball game to start @ 4:00 vs. Convent. We were all experimenting with the different machines, it was fun. Talking to Jonah and Evan. Sean was hanging around for a little, too, getting mad @ me and Nora for not going to C.C. Well he skips Thursdays for electric violin lessons! LOL! Then, the greatest thing happened: Jonah's like, "Hey, do you guys wanna go down to Jamba Juice with me?" Nora and I are like, "Hell, yeah!" Well, of course we didn't say that but we said yeah. So, since I couldn't find my shoes, I wore some random person's cool dark blue J. Crew flip-flops. So me, Nora, and Jonah, just the three of us, set off to Laurel Village. We talked the whole way. So Nora and I are like, "So what's up with you and Nini? Are you guys still going out?" and he's all, "Kind of"- What!? Said me and Nora in unison. "Well, we never DO anything, like on the weekends or anything. So, technically we're just going out by title." Nora and I were internally rejoicing. Lol. But he was so nice and talkative. Nora and I were so proud to be walking in public with him and kept praying we'd see someone we knew. He shared his drink with Nora! How cute is that!!!! He offered some to me but I didn't want any. He has a fake driver's license too that looks really real. So that was really fun, oh, and he kept saying how much he hates Erin, so that's a good thing. When we got back, Erin was there on the steps, clearly JEALOUS of me and Nora, and kept asking if he talked about her. We're like, 'NO!' I think Evan was mad @ us for ditching him. The game was about to start, so we went upstairs to the gym-and- RYAN AND LAURA were there on the bleachers! Nora and I ran across the gym! Paul was with them too. We took Ryan on a mini tour. Ok, so then we got ready to watch the game. Nora went and sat down next to Jonah, and Ryan sat next to Nora. Normally, I would've sat down next to Ryan, but- I sat on the OTHER side of Jonah! Heehee, I was confident. Then, Paul scooted down a bleacher. So he was next temp. So I was smooshed RIGHT in between Jonah and Paul!! HEAVEN! I twas NOT awkward at all! Whenever Michelle Tandler hit the ball, Jonah and I would turn to each other in amazement, saying 'incredible!' 

9/24/00

Leah is 15!!! She's been 15 for 2 days now. Wow, she can start driving. Heehee. Ok, a lot to say! Friday, we took a vocab quiz in English, and in History, we researched for our paper again up in the library. Drawing was cancelled because Mr. Crabtree was gone! We had a retarded schedule because of the 'Uni Olympics' down @ JK. It was so messed up, but it was funny @ the tug-of-war when the rope snapped/broke and everyone fell! Lol. Anise was like, "Are you going to the Urban dance tonight?" I was like, "Yeah!" and she was so happy. I talked to her and Max Staley, and while I was talking with Tali about the party list, Anise and Max noticed it, and pretty soon it was in their 'clutches'. Max was like, 'Ben Blatteis?! Nooo!!' and I said, 'But I have to, he's now like friends with Duncan and Jacque' He's like, 'Noooooo!' It was so funny. Anise told me Zach's last name: Unrue. Good. But we have soooo many people on the list now! The total ranges from about 85-90 people. And the party's in 2 weeks!! AAAH! Dan (Bunny) stole my sweatshirt after school, and wouldn't tell me where it was. I was mad. :(. Nora and I walked down to JK, and the photographer for the Chronicle was there!!!! We had to (the girls) run down a hill twice and he took some pics with his digital camera; Nora and I were laughing so hard, you can see us in the back. It will be in the paper on Friday. I'll try to find it. THere were these 2 piles of dirt, and the guys were like playing in the them and running up them. Nora and I were playing this game where I picked up a piece of dirt and said, 'Dirt or rock?', and she'd have to guess. Then, I picked up a piece, and like, opened it, and it took me a while to realize, but Nora screamed, 'It's POOP!!! EW!!!!' And flicked it into my hair! EW!!! It was sooooo funny! We were laughing SOOOOO hard!! Jonah calls me Poop Girl! But I don't care. He pushed me into the dirt pile! Heehee. Oh! And then, you know how I always try to deny that the red head sophomore Sean likes me- well, Friday, he did some weird thing where he came up to me and put his hand up to my ear as if to tell me something, but he didn't. I was like, 'What?', and he's like, 'I'll do it again'. It was retarded! I saw Nora walking away laughing- he DOES like me! AAAAH!"

10/11/98

“I think I’ve actually fallen for Ben. I didn’t think I liked him, but I noticed it at the party [Syd’s bat mitzvah]. He was so cute, getting into it, dancing and stuff. At the end of the party, I dropped one of my disco ball earrings, partly on purpose, right near him, to see what he’d do. He picked it up! And probably was going to give it back to me if I hadn’t turned around and left at that point. (Stupid Hannah, stupid!) He’s really cute, and I am going to his bar mitzvah on November 7^th.”

 

“After school, I had Trope, and I did my hair and everything before I went in because Ben was probably going to be there. Sure enough, after Trope, he was there, waiting to go in. But that was it, cause we were walking away, so I just went past him.”

11/22/98

After b-ball practice that day, we went home quickly, and I got ready to go to Gili’s 12^th birthday party. It was fun. But it’s sooooo weird, the differences between the area and people in her town/city, whatever, compared to here. I mean, I know they’re in 6^th grade, and I’m in 7^th, and I’m the same age as them if not younger, but, in a way, her friends are really immature! Limited Too, for instance. That’s like for 2 year olds! And the sleeping bag game Piggly Wiggly? Hide and Go Seek? Come on now. But it was fun anyway. Some of her new friends are even almost my height!

3/29/98

“Today Gili came over. She exaggerates so much about her boy life. She says this guy Shane gave her a love card, and she’s had THREE boys ask her to be their girlfriend. She’s in FIFTH grade. Yeah right! She also says that he gave her a necklace and a Beanie Baby. Like I believe that!! Well, we had a good time though. We played the ‘Titanic’ game on the computer and found out a lot! Then we watched TGIF (Thank Goodness It’s Friday) which includes Sabrina and Boy Meets World.”

12/12/98

“Oh my god! A LOT happened today. Well, I’m not going to say what happened during the last four days, it was just school. Today was Jacque’s bat mitzvah! I wore my long black skirt, (me and Mara were the only ones wearing long skirts) and my white camisole with the purple cardigan over it that everyone loved. Nora wore the same exact one except white with quarter length sleeves! I also wore my 3.5 inch black shoes, the pair I wore to Syd’s, and I also left them in Miami. So Jacque and Vanessa were bat mizvahed, ‘bnot’-mitzvahs are rare. My first time going to a b’not. Anyway, the service was long and boring. We took a bus to the Hotel Majestic, and went in. The space was pretty small, and we sat at our tables for about 2 hours. I was sitting next to Mara (we talked a lot), Syline, and Christina and Brittany were also at our table, along with Leah’s Ben Blatteis, Willy and his brother Max who looks exactly like Hayley, and 2 other weirdos. Oh yeah, Leah went with Ben to SF Day’s school dance, she said it was fun, they danced a lot, she saw Vanessa Traina there, Sophia and Faye, and…Andy. Anyway, back to the bat mitzvah. The chalah was the only good thing to eat. The noodles were nasty, and so were the hors d’oerves. The dance floor was realllly small, but it worked well. We danced a lot, and there were some slow songs/dances. This is the good part. So, in the beginning of the dancing part of the party, Ben, Ben Springwater asked Mara to dance! I know Mara likes Ben, so I was happy for her, and….a little jealous. Well, at the other slow songs, Mara waited for him to ask her again, but he didn’t. About the last slow song, totally unexpectedly, Ben comes up to ME and asks ME to dance with him!!! This was my first slow dance ever, and I kind of knew how. He is so tall! But I like slow dances because all you need to do is just move your feet from side to side. Ryan and Mark, and of course, Steven and Nora were dancing too, but not many other people. I was so nervous the whole time, but REALLY happy!! I was chewing Doublemint gum, Syline’s, just a little reminder of what I was doing at the time since I forgot the song name. By the end of the dance, I hoped Mara wasn’t mad at me. I don’t think she was, but she might be. That was one of the best experiences of my life. Oh my god I’m still in shock. Ok, I have to go now, bye!”

8/28/00

I STARTED UHS!!! HIGH-SCHOOL!!!! I AM A HIGH-SCHOOLER AT LAST!! A FRESHMAN! SCHOOL HAS OFFICIALLY STARTED!!!...Ugh! No more summer! And Rachel still has about a week and a few days, she still has a summer left! Not fair. Why does school have to start so early. Oh well, it's cool. So first; the weekend. God I'm getting so bad about writing. Umm...Saturday, Rachel and Mom left early for Rachel's soccer tournament thing in some far away suburb that I forget. So Dad, Grandma and I had the day to ourselves. We wanted (Grandma wanted) to get us a lamp, we first went to Fillmore Street. We looked in Fillamento (aah! I love it) but no luck, so then in the fancy, cool but expensive store across the street from it- but no. No luck on Fillmore. Except for me, where I got Liz a few little presents from Mainline for her birthday party. I got her a set of cute heart candles, a candle and a joke magnet gay flag as one of our inside jokes. So funny. Then we went to the lamp store across the street from the dentist. (Ugh I'm in the bathroom now, Rachel kicked me out). So many lamps but so ugly! We couldn't decide, so Grandma got us a gift certificate there. When we went home quickly, then to the park, where we got stuck in an Indian music festival or something! So funny, Dad was getting so mad. Then we walked to the Crystal Palace gardens, Grandma like that. Oh yeah Dad broke his diet there! He spotted blackberries growing on some bushes, and, knowing Dad, he subconsciously picked him-- and ate one! Nobody realized what was happening except me when he was on his second berry. AAH! He spit it out though- so funny. Then I went over to Liz's @ around 6:30. Mara, Syline and Elaine were already there. Liz dyed her hair bright pink!! I didn't know that! Now she looks so Lowell. Then Aniko came, then Brittany, then Syd, Duncan and Jacque all @ once (they had seen 'Bring It On') and lastly, @10:15, Nora from Sam B's party which she said sucked

8/1/2003

"Hannah is no longer a virgin as of today, August 1st, 2003 at 16 years old. Yet another example of why August is by far the best month of the year. I don't even think it's even really sunken in yet. Like, when I say to myself that I've had sex, it doesn't register. Weird. But, um yeah. Who's the lucky guy, or the one who 'stole my innocence'? Why, Brad of course. Haha. He is the culprit. I think what we did might even have been illegal, too- he's 18 and I'm 16- sex with a minor, right? Whatever. Who's going to say anything anyway. Wow, so much to say. Basically, I worked out this morning for half an hour- yes, on the Precor- that's another story- but I'm finally allowed back on it- then Mom went to go to the library and Dad to work- then they both had an 11:00 Christa appointment- Rachel was home in her room cutting up shirts and creating new ones- don't ask, she said she was extremely bored. Anyway, I officially took the longest shower of my life. I think I hit the 40 minute mark, I am not kidding, I must have used every single soap and body gel in the shower- but i felt so clean after- ahhh- but it was also because that morning- this morning- i had already thought about it and made an early decision- I was so ready. I had thought about it, too. Brad is not some random guy I just met. He is my boyfriend. He is sweet, caring, and completely understanding, which is one of the most important things to me. Rachel helped me pick out my outfit and we decided on my cute but actually modest little 'I Love New York' shirt that I got in the city right off the street from some vendor for $2. I also wore my new New York short, pleated pin-stripe miniskirt. And of course, my brand new insanely cute pink with black polka-dots thong that I got in Georgetown at their local Urban Outfitters last week. It's the ultimate cutest thing I have ever laid eyes on. I absolutely love it. And it's actually comfortable...for a thong. ANYWAY- I spent sooooo incredibly long getting ready- the entire morning- I had to make sure I was completely shaved and smelled good EVERYWHERE. I told him to come anywhere from 11:00-12:00. And this time- he did not get lost!! It was a miracle!! I was so proud. Too bad the parents weren't home to witness it. He was like, "Thanks, I try". He came in and talked to Rachel for a little- asked her what she was doing cutting up all those shirts- haha. We went into my room and I gave him his present from Maryland- haha, he liked it. So cute. We talked for a little on my bed deciding what we should do today and finally we decided to go back to his house in Piedmont. So we got in the lovable, clunky, boxy '84 volvo with the spinning rims and installed CD player (looks so out of place in the midst of the bare dashboard area) and headed towards Piedmont- onto the freeway and to the Bay Bridge. He took me around a little, so I could see some of Piedmont- we went past Yoshi's in Jack London Square and he growled at it as we passed by- he really hates working there- then he showed me the Piedmont middle and high schools where he went- the place is so nice- your typical upper-middle class "Pleasantville" suburb-all-American. So we went to his house (his dad's house) and he gave me a mini-tour- he has two cats- one is cute and named Baboo- I didn't really see the other one. His dad was teaching guitar lessons downstairs so I only saw him briefly to say hi. And I saw his "evil" (as he refers to her) stepmother on the way out- I don't think she liked me. She gave me evil looks- I swear. But then again I saw her for maybe one minute. So then we went into his room- really nice, too- and he showed me his amazing booming speakers that literally shake the floor. He's very proud of them. He likes the Soprano's, too! He tapes them all off of HBO- so he's got- the entire 4th season! I laughed to myself when I saw them thinking of what Mom and Dad's reaction would be. I felt so privileged. So we decided to "watch" them- we put one in and he turned out the lights and we lay down on his bed- let's just say, we did not exactly pay attention to what was happening on the show. I could not tell you what happened. We started out just cuddling which quickly led to intense making out- longest session I've ever had- I usually like to be in the all-powerful and dominating position on the top but with him it's always the other way around. Interesting observation. Haha. And basically, I had already made up my mind about what the next step would be, so when he askedddd me- which he did- like a gentleman, rather than just assume- a la Sean (Sanibel ass) the answer was yes. But the greatest part was that he asked me first, which he sensed automatically and then kept insisting that I was fine with it because if I wasn't, then he didn't want to do it. But I had already decided, and assured him that I wanted to. I asked him if he was a virgin and he said no, once before (lies...) and I told him I was a virgin. But I just can't get over how sensitive to my feelings he was about the whole thing. Like, he was constantly checking in with me to make sure I was fine and feeling ok. He was always asking me, "Are you ok? How are you feeling?" Like, obviously guys are 100x hornier than girls. It's a proven fact. Not to mention, guys get off on the littlest things, like, if a girl kisses a guy, he comes. Ok, I'm exaggerating just a tad, but what I'm trying to say is that it takes a lot more for a girl, holy shit. I told him I had no idea what I was doing but he said it was all good. Ok, this may get a little graphic but I need to record everything so just skip this part if you don't want to picture Hannah in a sexual encounter- more specifically- if my future children or husband are reading this- STOP NOW. That is an order, haha. Ok fine whatever I don't give a flying fuck- as Kelly Osbourne would say. Anyway- oh yes, and not to worry- protection was used. Children, always use protection- another life lesson. Haha. I feel so wise and knowledgeable even though I'm really not. Oh the sun is coming out. Ok sorry back on track now- um, where was I? Ah, yes. Protection. The importance of the condom even though it is tres ennuyant (very annoying). It was so terrible- the first like five or ten minutes we spent trying to figure out where the hell I was. Like, I don't know about other girls my age, but I for sure do not masturbate and would never consider it- I just think the whole concept is utterly disgusting and- uchhh I can't even think about it for long it literally makes me sick. Blah. Aaah now I'm thinking about it! Ew get it out of my mind- I shouldn't even have brought it up. So anyway, I just have no idea what is down there, like, I have no sense of the female anatomy whatsoever when it comes to the vagina. With sex, I just assumed like the guy just knows where to put the thing and that's that. But, um, well, I was proven wrong. Apparently, you are supposed to be just a tad more familiar with the area. And it is only now that all those sex tips and stories in all the Cosmo's I've read over the years are beginning to register and actually make sense. Like, "Where are you" and, "What does your G-spot look like?" (people actually wrote in and drew their G-spots with flying colors- haha, ew) Like, obviously I know all the terms and shit but you don't actually know anything until you've tried or experienced it, and that's true in all different aspects of life I think. Dude I liveeee off of Cosmo- so I guess I felt all knowledgeable. Anyhoo- haha- Alex always says that- we spent so long trying to figure it out- he was like, "Damn, girl! Where the hell are you?" So apparently it's not as easy and black and white as I thought- I mean it probably is if you actually know yourself and where you are and shit, but not so in this case. So I ended up having to help him but dude I had no idea where I was putting the thing or what in God's name I was doing. I was like, "Why can't you just do it? You've done it before, you're the experienced one!" (of course I didn't say this out loud- thank god for inner monologue-) But I was frustrated and just wanted to get the deed done, dammit! Ok I don't mean to be graphic here but it must be known. Brad has the biggest fucking dick I've ever seen! Holy shit! Outdid Sean's by like 10 feet! Haha no well of course not that big- I think I'd die- but dude when he pulled the thing out I almost cried I didn't know how I was going to go about putting THAT inside me. You should've seen my face I was like, "You are fucking kidding me. Hell no." But it ended up  being hell yes because somehow it was accomplished. I felt so bad for him the entire time- he was in the worst position- it was like he was in an extended push-up for ten whole minutes while thrusting (sorry!). I'm trying to not be too explicit but come on, this is my own, personal journal and I can write whatever the hell I fucking please. So THERE. Haha. Anyway- all I can say is that oh my god sex is SO TIRING, holy shit- and that says something if I was tired and I was just lying there the whole time- he must have just been DEAD by the end- and he was pretty damn tired at the end too. And it was the worst because I'd forgotten to take off my shirt because a few minutes before his dad had actually walked in on us when we were about to go for it and I quickly had to pull on my shirt- so I was sooo hot. Ugh. Ok, and I thought I was not normal and weird until I talked to Alex later that night- to me, the whole actual act was semi-painful, at first, and then just unpleasant, mainly, is the word that fits best. And I think I've heard you know that sex the first time- at least for a girl is not enjoyable and you have to do it a few more times until it actually feels good. Great. That's just swell. But oh so accurate. Like, I was just lying there and the whole time just waiting for it to be over. Of course I made sounds and shit like you're supposed to and like you see in the movies because Cosmo says it sucks for the guy if you just lie there without expression- like, it's insulting. And of course I faked the big one, too- it's the biggest ego-killer for a guy to know that he didn't get the girl to come- which I knew and I definitely did not want to hurt his feelings because I actually LIKE the guy, unlike SOME people. (aka SEAN, again...) But yeah it's just like uncomfortable the entire time, I was just thinking, when is this going to be over? I couldn't even tell if he was in me or not- I didn't even know for sure if we were having or had had sex until after I went to the bathroom and saw that my thong- my new, cute pink polka-dot thong from Urban Outfitters was ruined and had been soaked through with blood and hymen or whatever that thing is that is supposed to break when you're a virgin. I was so mad! I told Brad, "You ruined my thong!!!" Jokingly, of course. Well, kind of...I was kind of pissed...but for someone who doesn't have their period yet (yes, still) it's kind of crazy to see blood coming out from down there. And it BURNED to pee- holy shit I almost cried. It felt like my entire fucking vagina was on fire. OW. I finally got over it and came out back into his room and we just lay there on his bed cuddling "watching" the Soprano's which was still going and had just gone on to the next episode. What the fuck was going on. God but see laying there with him just holding me was like five hundred times better than the actual sex itself. Like, for me, the neck is the most sensual part and when a guy even breathes on it- better yet lays his head right in that spot that's like your shoulder slash neck slash upper-boob area, it's a hundred times more powerful (to me) than sex. But I'll probably take this back the more I have sex because it does get better. My experience was 100% normal, Alex told me, who has sex like ten times a day now with her boyfriend Sam who shit- I just realized she wants me to meet him and for all of us to hang out this week but WHEN?! Dude I have no fucking time before Sanibel which is in less than a week! AAH! Fuck. Anyway, excuse the A.D.D. So we lay there for a while and kissed a little more- and then he was hungry of course- as all guys are always and especially after sex- but damn it IS a workout. I never understood in all those movies during the sex scenes they both make those grunting noises and deep breathes and why they sweat because the act just seemed so simple. But, um, now I understand. You HAVE to make noises, that I did not fake. Like, I guess the parallel would be like equivalent to lifting weights at the gym- it's hard work and you grunt to hold them up. Or something. I don't know, but it's definitely a workout, is all I can say. So then we drove to Taco Bell and he gets something to eat- I just said I'd had a huge pancake brunch and was still full- I know I said lying is evil and gets you absolutely nowhere in life except screwed, but I'm just not ready to tell him about all the shit and what's been going on- I don't know if I ever will considering I can't see this as a serious relationship what with him going to college and all- heehee- which means I can hook up with Tanner in Sanibel this year and not feel bad! Heehee! Ok I'm sorry I'm really not that horny. Anyway, we went back to his house and decided to pop in another Soprano's- aka- more sex. We started making out again- and, I love saying this- one thing lead to another- haha-stupid movie line- and of course he ASKED me again if i wanted to rather than assuming (again- Sean evil asshole...) this time I was more hesitant than before because the truth was actually no, what was the point? It was just like I was numb or something the entire time- I felt nothing really and instead just ended up getting unnecessarily tired. But I was willing to give it another chance so I agreed but he wasn't convinced I wanted to but I could see how badly he wanted to plus I needed the practice- so we ended up doing it again- but it was a hell of a lot easier this time- but again- still did not feel good. Not like painful, just like, why, I guess. Like what's all the hype about. So that's why I got scared that I was weird or something until I talked to the all-knowing sex goddess Alex, who reassured me that I was doing everything right. She just said that you just have to do it a lot and then it feels fine. I have faith in her, so I'm not to disappointed. After the second round, we cuddled more and kissed and then I was kind of ready to go home- it was already 6:00. Oh and LEO called me in the middle of our sexual act- I hadnt' heard the phone since it was on vibrate but when I checked it it said missed call and the time was then. So I called him back and Brad said hi- I told him to say, "Leo's a dork!" and he did- haha. Of course, being the vain girl that he is, Leo was offended, and I told him that he was a pussy. Haha. Oh, Leo. Brad could beat him up, for sure. Just kidding- there would never be a fight because they are never going to meet each other. So then we drove back to San Francisco and got caught in some shitty traffic- people coming into the city to party on Friday night. Brad was constantly checking out all the other cars on the freeway- he's into older cars- like '60's and stuff. I'm not a fan, but then again, I am a girl, and he is such a guy. We had no problem with getting to my house this time because I was there to help him out- I even told him a shortcut- haha- Mom and Rachel were watching some movie when we got home, and Brad talked with them for a while- he is just so comfortable in any environment- I really love that about him. Dad came home a few minutes after we walked in, and, of course, being Dad, goes- upon seeing Brad, exclaims, "The Bradinator!" Oh. My. God. My father is the king of all nerds. The dork of all dorks. But he knows it and loves to flaunt it, and that's why I love him, he is confident and proud of his nerdishness. Haha I love that word I just concocted it: nerdishness. Has a ring to it, no? But Brad likes him and told me that he thinks Dad is funny. Hmm...I'll have to reevaluate Brad for that comment. Just kidding. So he stayed over for a little while longer because he needed directions for getting back onto the freeway from my house and then he had to go over to his friend's 18th birthday celebration back in Piedmont so I walked him out and we made out a little and then he left. Full day, wouldn't you say? Hey that rhymed. Haha. Oh no my dorky side is shining through. I take that comment back. It was never spoken- written. So then I guess I was in some sort of stupor because I just didn't know what to do with myself- Mom and Rachel were watching a movie in the living room and wanted complete silence, and Dad was exercising downstairs. I tried to make myself realize what I had done and that I was no longer a virgin but it just did not- and still doesn't register in my mind. Weird how that happens."